Wild Ride for an Untamed Wild Heart

“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch but on its own wings.”

This year culminates my trojan wars, my war with me. Today is a special day to remember, and for me to be grateful for each and every battle I have fought these past years. To make it more special, this will be entry number 30, for today’s thoughts. These “thoughts” started last year as a vehicle for expressing my love of art, but as I arrive at the nadir of 2020, and after 10 years of many challenges, with, more importantly, a lot of growth, these “thoughts” have evolved to capture much more than my love of art, they capture me.

Let me start by saying that after my decade long war the enemy has been defeated, the land has been conquered. How the voyage began is a whole other story. Some people are forced to grow at a much more rapid pace than anticipated.  While my growth began way before December 23th, 2009 and at a much younger age, it was on this day I became mortal, because when we are younger we believe we are gods and invincible.

What began as a normal car ride ended up as wild one as 4 of us were in the car before being hit by an inebriated driver. I can still vividly recall what I experienced, all the pressure in my body and the white light at the end of the tunnel (which brought me to prayers). When I was able to reopen my eyes, I could feel liquid (blood) running down my face and a burning sensation inside my body (from rivers of blood that inundated me). I could hear the moaning sound of my friends. I did not have the ability to move or check on them. I was only able to move my arm to pull the mirror from the passenger seat to observe my unconscious friends.  What I did not realize at the time was that this event was simply the beginning of another lengthy traumatic experience, but the experience, in hindsight, remains golden. My pelvis was broken into three parts. Walking was not going to be a possibility for a while, and I understood then what older people must feel at hospitals when they have to rely on assistance for everything. How do we go from being dependent as infants, learning to walk, becoming independent, and then, in a brief instance, being reduced to being in a bed unable to do basic necessities without others?

The car accident that almost left me without a heartbeat and broken bones was not the biggest issue. It was my broken soul that was hurting the most, and the pain I was suffering was from numerous other sources. However, He knew all along that healing would come and He would restore me to a better life. The pain of that accident forced me to grow, to find my strength and birthed, I believe, a much better human. A human that had to learn how to walk again, in more than one way. More than the physical pain, the accident left me with the feeling of being disposable, almost worthless, and not good enough. All of a sudden at your lowest point all of your insecurities are revisited. He had already promised that I wouldn’t drown nor would fire burn me. The accident which broke me also transformed me in order to have a much better perspective of the true meaning of my life. After that although many other challenges arose in my life, I have confronted them all head on. Each challenge a battle a test of my inner strength. 

Strength is not something we simply have but something we learn and discover we possess. We learn to discover our inner strength by example and my mom has shown me her strength with her own difficult journey to match mine. More importantly, this year I understood that through it all He was the one holding my hand. He has never let go, and just like Jacob, I wasn’t willing to let go either, not without His blessing, even if that implied changing my walk forever both figuratively and literally.  What I never wanted to allow myself was the comfort of the victim mentality, and I also won’t become jaded. I simply want to be the best version of myself regardless of the challenges I face. I know this because I have had a strong woman, my mother, as the best example, and knowing I have a younger sister observing me inspires me to be better and always be grateful for what I have in my life, for each day, for each challenge an opportunity. 

My heart is still untamed after my wild ride. It beats with the strength of overcoming adversity, and I am grateful for each one of my trojan wars, and thrill with excitement for a brand-new decade, hello to the Roaring Twenties!